This is a 13-minute”Deep Dive” Podcast on the subject of grief :
The Obsolete Misunderstood Grief Model
In the 1960s, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross conducted studies on the dying, which are often mistakenly believed to be about those who are grieving. Her work is widely misunderstood; Kübler-Ross developed the five stages of dying, not grief. Her studies focused on people with terminal illnesses, not those grieving the loss of a loved one. There is no universally agreed-upon model for the stages of grief.
Grief is a response to the loss of someone or something important.
Before continuing, ask yourself this question if you are grieving the loss of a loved one: Would they want me to continue grieving their loss, or would they want me to honor their memory when they were healthy and alive?
Often, there are two scenarios that play out when we are experiencing grief:
When we are thinking about the loss of a loved one we see in our mind’s eye consciously or unconsciously that person being far away from us physically. This causes us to no longer feel the closeness or connection that we had before the loss of this loved one.
The second scenario often involves unpleasant or traumatic memories associated with the memory of our love one’s passing.
I was grieving my mother’s death for a few weeks after she passed away with pancreatic cancer. When I thought of my mother, I repeatedly replayed this same memory. I saw her in her deathbed a few days before the ravages of cancer took her life. I was in 1st position. It was like being there again, feeling the same bad feelings that I felt then.
When I imagined my mother she was over twenty feet away from me. I then realized that in order to fully appreciate the past memories of my mother, I needed to make a changes to this and other negative memories in my mind. This is what I did:
1. For this very unpleasant memory I used this procedure on my blog: https://clintmatheny.com/freespotting-an-emotional-reset-in-minutes/
This worked for me; however, some people will have to use one of the other trauma processes on this site : healing-ptsd-phobias-intense-emotional-feelings/
2. I then remembered a nice memory of us together and I stepped into that memory, I saw what I saw then through my eyes then and felt what I felt then (1st position). I did this with five more pleasant memories.
3. Also never use the observer position on a pleasant memory that you had with a deceased loved one. It will cause you to feel the terrible loss feeling (grief) rather than the good feelings you had at the time. See my earlier post: simple-technique-that-can-improve-the-quality-of-your-life/
4. Now in your mind’s eye move your love one in physical space closer to you. Now you can imagine your love one very close to you when you think of her/him.
Now when I think of my mother she is healthy and either within five feet of me or in one of those pleasant memories with me in 1st position (in my body seeing her).
This was and is my grief procedure that I have used on myself and others. I hope it works for you and brings you some peace.
This is one of my favorite life affirming movies that was awarded an Oscar for Best Foreign Movie in 2008. The movie gives a true depiction of Japanese views on life and death:
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